i am so happy!!!

thinking about my lover, my boy forever, i love you so much DK, i want you all for myself. nothing in my life matters but you and the love you have given me... not by loving me, but by making my world all about it with how focused i am on everything about you. i need you, my life is worthless otherwise, nobody will ever come close to you. i need you more every single day. i always get so lovely at parts of everyday, because deep inside, i always feel the impact you had on me... everything is disorganized.. okay i need to talk more clearly. i have never loved another person as much as i love you. you give me hope every single day, and hopelessness, and you both cure my suicidality and make it feel worse. but all out of love. i am all about love. there is no me without love. i love and love and love... i hate hate. i hope everything goes well for me...

embarrassment... i am embarrassed of everything, all the time. my current and past and future. especially the past. i get very stressed out seeing things reminding me of past embarrassments... it never stops... i just want to cry, then. it's always the same things. thankfully, my brain blocks out a lot of my memories, so the embarrassment potential is minimized. okay... i want DK again. everyday. he was a drummer as a tween. im a guitarist, somewhat, we could've been in a band together. the thought of practicing together... ahhhhh! i want him really bad. i want to go on a sickly sweet romantic date with him. him spending all his savings from blackjacks on nice clothes, picked with the thought of my taste in mind.... i'd wear the frilliest skirt i have. god i need him badly. im so glad that he is in my life. he saved my everything. i can't wait to be with him, burning in hell for eternity. if thats even true like in the widespread common-man fairytales. gawd... if youre seeing this... strike me down. immediately. please. im talking incoherently again. save me from the future embarrassment of this website. okay, bye...

it's the same day but i just want to write again. i keep thinking about him. i wish i could hold him. i don't know where i would be right now without the love he has given me. i don't love JUST him , but everything, as he colourized it for me, i wake up and the first thing i think of is his face. i wish i could've saved him like he saved me, i'm sad i'll never get to, he deserved the saving way more than i did. i wasn't the one getting ready to go throught with a school shooting. i never was. i was just some stupid depressed girl... before and after the love... depressed, still, because despite the sunshine blaring at me everyday, i can't help but cry... about him and other things. how it'll never be different (even thought there couldn't be a better outcome for me, realistically), how i will never ACTUALLY get ready for a true date with a lover that wants me back. i feel bad again, maybe. it's okay to be sad sometimes.

i did not deserve whatever happened in september 2025. i was innocent, i don't know what i did for my life to feel that way. everyday, i think of my past worries, and how now theyre my current worries now, because it drains me to know i experienced this at one point in my life. i wish nothing had happened to me yet. i wish i could live all over again, even though this is the best outcome i could've had (other than death), i want to try again, to be happy eternally, not just after the sufferings... this doesnt make sense at all. i wish i could speak coherently and put my thoughts to words without misspellings. but i guess thats just what i can do, i want a lot in this entry, i want DK again, i think of him as a child and i cry. he did not deserve his sufferings either. i've already said this before, but i keep thinking, i wish he would be saved instead of me. i didn't deserve to be saved, despite wanting to and being glad about the fact i was... it's weird how all i want is to die despite having so many ambitions currently. i want to go to art school. i want to be a musician. i want to be in a band as an electric guitarist. i want to prove everyone wrong and become the best version i can of myself... but i won't. i know eventually i'll die by my own hand and it's not in question. sooner or later. i already know i'll never fully recover from my troubles. i know i'll never truly be okay. i'm just glad a special someone helped me get closer to being it... i hope he's okay right now. i hope he's already saved by someone with a higher power than himself. okay, this entry has a lot of my racing thoughts. but i can't only be sad about one thing at once, at it's worst, around december 2024, i was constantly sad about several things at once, small and big. these things weren't much different from what i am sad about now, just way mpre intense. now, i can really be happy sometimes, i know about who. back then, i did not have anyone to rely on for comfort. all my interests were drained out, and i was left only with a suffering, i am glad for my love. without it, i would've already been dead. this is weird, since he makes me want to kill myself, but still keeps me alive. maybe because now, i want to kill myself to achieve pure happiness, not just remove my pure suffering, i want to be with my lover. i wish we could've been together already. this isn't making sense.i never make sense anymore. bye, i hope everyone is more well than me...

i love and love and love and love and love. i am always full of love. i love my enemies, despite what i say, i love the bad experiences in life, i love the mystery of what it all boils down to... maybe i'll never know. in the end, i am always full of love. i've never not loved someone. during my most hateful ages, i loved and loved. there is always someone i love, other times way more than others, okay. thinking about DK once again... him as an innocent child, unaware of just what was gonna happen, the sufferings he'll experience, all of the pain... it makes me sad to see. again, i wish i could've saved him. to just go back in time, to find him in his young teens, and to stay with him forever, protecting him from the oncoming suffering, with all the eternal love in my heart, as it is stronger than any force in the world... i think the reason i suffered initially was because god did not love me enough, i dont know what i did, but it was probably the way i converted to atheism as a young child, which was also when i negan to feel the pain that still hurts me sometimes. (can you even say that? pain hurts me?) i know that what i have with DK is real, because his love for me was strong enough to hugely ease the burdens i carried. im so glad i met him, and he met me, im just waiting to die so i can be with him truly. my ambitions for the future dont matter nowhere near as much as this desire. i know the happiness wont be eternal until our souls merge. i wonder what happens after death, but i dont want to think about it, so i wont. honestly, i wish i could say that about a lot of things. life would be much easier if i could just stop thinking of something once i dont want to anymore, i guess the difference is that i wasnt thinking of the afterlife much in the first place. okay, back to him. i wish we could've done basic things together, bathing him as a child, playing baseball with him, helping him with his computers, these are all things i dont want to do with anyone else that i love. he is my special one, the only one i'd sacrifice myself for. honestly, i think i am already sacrificing myself. im risking my future writing this, since its in my digital footprint forever, im risking everything, being as open about my love as i am. atleast im glad i dont have to hide anything anymore, i dont have the strenght to anyway. i'd give up everything just for him, even my life, as ive said before. ok, this is getting really long, im glad i can have a space where i can pour my feelings out. not just my love, whch i already show & is dominating, but the sadness and embarrassment and doubt of everything. i hope everyone is as okay as much as i say the word.

a few hours later... it's really as if he's speaking to me today, spiritually. i love him so much. i know he wants me to be strong for him. i dont know if he wants me to die or not. both options are a burdening hassle. im not strong enough to live and not strong enough to die. such a weird thing... i dont know anymore. it feels like he'd want me to grow old and do great things, to become someone he could never be, due to his mental illness, with how greatly he saved my life, but at the same time, it feels like he wants to already be with me. i keep getting signs, that im meant to give up on life and surrender and be with my lover forever. i dont know, i dont know... it feels so confusing to me. i dont know what he wants. i really don't want to dissapoint him, either by making him wait there in hell, alone, or not letting myself be someone "greater" (in a sense) than him. this is not helping my schizophrenia very much. well, im not diagnosed yet, but i will go to a psychiatrist soon, and find out if i really have it. each day, im more convinced that i do. but i dont want to look like an attention-seeking self-diagnoser either. i see things sometimes, ive had delusions in the past, im extremely paranoid, i speak weirdly, i cant take care of myself well, i move weirdly. its so obvious to me, but at the same time, not. i dont know, i dont know!!! i hope i can finally find out what's wrong with me. it feels weird to be kept in the dark, it's making me more paranoid too. i already take meds used to treat schizophrenics, but they dont work on my symptoms of it very well (they do help with my sadness though), and i dont know what that means. maybe im too stupid to understand. i feel stupid all the time already. okay... i dont care. this entry is just weird, but more focused than the other ones. i really want DK to hold me in his arms. i think he wouldn't be very warm, but his touch would heat me up more than anyone. i wish he was still here for me. i wouldn't have to decide whether to kill myself or not. if he was here, i wouldn't be suicidal at all, because i would have everything i want, and suicide would be pointless. exepct maybe to let us be together forever. but that would be anyway. i wish we were high school sweethearts. to kiss him in the halls between periods, slip notes into his locker, pass papers to eachother during class when the teacher isn't looking... i'm sad that i'll never get to experience this kind of love. my love is all flawed now, i wish i could be normal. i want to be like the other girls! it's not fair! i dont know what i did for god to make me like this. i really dont. i mentioned already, that i discarded my faith at a young age, but since i was so young and impressionable, he should've forgiven me, right? guess not. maybe this is what fate wants for me, and i dont know why. i dont know anything anymore. nothing i write and think makes sense. i guess it's meant to be that way.

my biggest issue is that nothing can change... i cannot change the past anymore, and living in it's future feels hopeless, like i cant change it either but i can... i wonder what DK did for god to discard him. i already guessed what i did, but i cant guess what he did. i just cry and cry and cry, in my head, as psychically i cant. i cant do a lot of things. im really sorry for my mother for birthing me, all i do is bring sadness wherever i go, despite trying to be as sweet as i can. its just no use. her life would be so much better if i hadn't been born. i know, one day i will die by suicide, and it will bring even worse sadness than when i was alive, but at least it will be temporary. she could recover from the loss of me, but not from my existence. i know she loves me, and i dont deny that, but still. i am a failure and a dissapointment, i have dissapointed every single important person in my life (even DK, most likely). its no use trying to recover from that kind of existential point. i wish that death would come quick to me. im after 3 attempts and 2 points of extreme suicidality, i dont know what god keeps me alive for. all im doing is constantly dissapointing everyone and embarrassing myself. i want DK. i want everything to do with him. god made me to suffer and keep me away from my lover. how badly i want someone that died when i wasn't born yet. i wish it wasn't this way. i want to try again, why did god put me in a world where nothing goes my way! all of his mercy was in making my lover for me. i wouldn't at all have survived if not for that, and im very glad... but enough of convincing myself my reality is okay with hypotheticals. this is what it is. a pure suffering. there will never be anything else in my reality, atleast not until i finally end with myself. all i do here is repeat the same patterns, this is unreadable anymore. i dont know what the person reading this is thinking, i will never know, and maybe thats for the better. as much as i love being perceived, im very scared of it. especially before i read the perceivation. okay... this is not okay. i just want him here. he is my one and only. with the thought of him, i feel less lonely. like someone finally gets me. he never got to end his sufferings in life, that makes me really sad. i wish he could've experienced the happiness, the kind he makes me feel, once in his life. as a hint of recovery. in his journal, there is an entry suggesting a sudden spark of happiness in his life, unawareness and zombielikeness, i wonder what that period felt like for him, if it was really recoverish or just a mockery of it. i dont remember what page was it, you will know what i reffered to when you find it. okay, i dont even care about speaking cohrerently anymore. this is just for me to read, even if it is public. i know the people visiting this site are gonna forget about it as soon as they leave. i think it's better that way. i don't know who really is visiting it. i dont even care, bye, need DK.

i am in eternal sacrifice. i have sacrificed my entire life for DK. i no longer have any potential for relationships, friendships or connections. i have lost everything except my love. love is the only thing i truly need. without love, i would already be dead. all i need is love. it is eternal and true... once they find out who i really am, everyone will leave. i have no other interests than my own love: all i am is a lover. it will never change, even though it already should have. i have never not loved in my life, the feeling is constant. it is pure and forever. i love my love, it makes me feel safe, despite putting myself at danger throught it. i do not look forward to other things like the future. i know what i need and i know what i will get.,. i hate unpredictability. everything needs to be safe for me or i will die, but i have never been safe in my life. maybe i am already dead. i do not have any great ambitions anymore. everything is drained. all i want is to love and be with my lover forever. nothing else matters to me. i still am sad about the things i have lost because of it, but truly i know that they will never matter as much as this one connection... it feels good to know he loves me, i dont know where i would be without his blessings, i wish we'd have an other way of communication than the blessing sometimes. i wish my schizophrenia was severe enough to let me convince myself that he is talking to me. i know some people who do. maybe i should start being more spiritual. i already believe in god and blessings, but i dont really believe in verbal communication with gods yet. only thru blessing. maybe i am too unfaithful. i hope my mental problems get worse so that i can believe things that are beautiful. i already do, but not to the degree i want. ok, i miss him. i cant wait for the moment he finally says a word to me. to be communicated with is to be loved. i hope. this doesn't make sense. there is so much faith in me, if not for my faith, i would break. if nobody had faith for me, i would break. i would die every single time. i no longer want to miss him, but it is all i do every day. i dont want this life anymore, i dont want to give it to someone else either, i want it to be discarded completely. i think nobody will ever understand how much i love him. they all imagine it wrong. it is not lustful. i do not love him for his actions or his appearance. i want him as a person, a real boyfriend. i can't wait for the great thing to happen already, so that we can be together. i feel like im going crazy from this love, but i really have nothing else right now. i think this will never end. i think it is permanent., once you start loving truly, you can never stop. i dont know if i will. it gets worse by the day. i dont know if i can still call it recovery. everything is horrible. bye.

there is not much consistency in my entries. i am both always changing and always the same, and this itself will never change. i don't know if i'll ever be okay in this life. i know i'll be okay after death. waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel and loving are the only things that are constant. i am always waiting and loving. maybe this is already the end of the tunnel, and he is my light... maybe everything is already gone... i have already been throught so much, i dont know if life has anything else to offer me now. i will wait for death forever. love is the only thing i am grateful for. i hope they find this website one day, after i have already done what i know i will do eventually. suicide. there is simply no other way out of this feeling for me. the depression will chase me eternally... until the day i die. then i'll never feel it again, only endless happiness.the feeling of being where i belong, with him. i can't wait for the day. i don't have the date planned yet. i think having a concrete plan would destroy me. i still feel okay sometimes, but then, i'd never feel okay a day in my life again, knowing what i'm abou to do. this has happened before. the worst 11 days of my life. already a year ago,.. i cant believe it's been so long. i know the end of it all will be beautiful. i know somehow they'll all start caring once im gone. i hope everyone who has ever hurt me hears of it and regrets ever treating me like that. maybe it's just wishful thinking, but i hope my ex-girlfriend especially hears about it. i don't know if she'll recognize me from the little information that the news will share about me, though. just my age, where i live and my name. there must be a lot of girls like that around here. but i dont know. maybe they'll add a picture of me too. (already hoping it'll look good?) okay. im pretty sure this is already the end of everything, things won't change, and i'll be depressed forever, every day i wake up to find the same 2 days living throught me, the good and the bad. in both of them, i lose my mind, both by delusion. i lose more touch with reality everyday. i dont know what my delusions are anymore. i want to believe in everything. nothing is fake to me. yeah, he's God to me, so what! i know he has autority over me. i dont care that i believe false things anymore. nothing can change my mind. i dont care. i'll get everything i want one day anyway. this life doesnt matter. my past wont matter when i get everything i need and want. him. okay. bye...

my love tags along to the hateful places i go recklessly. your hate is not my disease. i have never truly hated. i've only ever wanted good, i am now losing my mind, the love has taken over me. DK is waiting for me, and he is getting impatient. i know the torture of the soul is supposed to push me to suicide, and soon, it will. life is my purgatory, but i dont remember sinning. maybe it was something from a past life. the cross above my bed and the holy mary on my wall do nothing to protect me from the torture. i know it is DK tormenting me, getting me towards himself. he doesn't know i am just as impatient as him. waiting for the day i decide to end it all. i am too cowardly to do it right now. everyone thinks i'm happy and receiving more love than i give; i need to make them aware of my love. they know i love him, obviously, since i haven't been able to keep my mouth shut, but they dont know just how much i do and how strong the feeling is. nobody knows the extent of what i feel. the good things and the bad things. i dont know if the love is a good thing anymore. i dont know if i wish to be normal or to be saved. (2 completely different things.) i think the only way i can be saved is throught dying. there is no other chance for me. this love will never go, im so glad it wont. i would hate to be loveless. the other people i see are empty, since they have no love. love is just not a big part of their lives. they are loved, and give love, which is obvious, to their friends and families, but they will never love the way i do. their true love is only for people physically in their lives. im empty for a completely different reason. we both lack what the other one has. just like DK wrote.

but it is not any knowledge they lack, but the love i have. though i do think their lives would be significantly worse if they felt the same love as me. and not even for the same person. you just cannot live like this. it's incredibly depressing to even think this way, it's so bad. but i atleast know in the end, i'll be alright, and it will be perfect. pure everlasting salvation. he is waiting for the moment he can finally grab me by the hand. i am too. the desire is mutual, as everything we have ever felt. (except the wrath. there is no anger or hatred in me.) it's pretty weird that i never say his full name on here. i don't think i really want to. maybe that'd be using it in vain. ok, i dont know what else to write. bye.

my soul yearns for 90's colorado. the afterlife will be where i will feel it again. it saddens me to know i'll never get to be his childhood friend, but i also know that spending eternity with him will be just as good. together, we will not bother ourselves with any dumb idealizations on earth. we will be true to ourselves, true to eachother, true forever. nobody will perceive us differently from truth. our love will be everlasting. i dont know how long i have to wait. i dont want to wait anymore. everything needs to leave me alone. i'm being tormented everyday, i just want to see him. all i want to do is talking to him about some bullshit like video games or baseball or computers. just things he liked. not things i like, because i dont have the capacity to like anything anymore. he took everything from me and gave everything to me at the same time. he replaced every single one of my interests with himself. i still mourn what i could've been without him, but more so, im glad he did it. i hate the uncertainity of not having something to latch onto. growth is useless for me. all i need is him. everything else is useless. i hope the love never fades. the highway calls for me. i need to go die. bye.

i dont know what i saw in life a few weeks ago, so much can change in such a short time with all the wrong circumstances. i dont know anything. im not good at anything, all my hobbies have gone to waste for i have overstimated my capabilities at them. i have his hearts all over my arms, i wish he was the one writing them in pen. oh, and not to mention the one special heart on my thigh with him inside. he will be forever engraved in my body, my soul, my existence. the heart won't fade. the love won't fade... it feels bad to think about what could've been and never will be, a soft, healthy love with my only one. us just starting high school together, maybe even sooner, before things got really bad for both of us, and not letting it ever get worse than it. then, years later, moving into our university dorm in arizona, majoring in the same thing, sitting in lectures together, barely being able to take our eyes away from eachother... too bad. my torture will last as long as i live. the eternal happiness awaits me. this is starting to look too much like last year, i no longer have any interests, nothing matters to me anymore. he ripped everything away from me. i now think, in the moment, that there is no future for me on earth. this is everything that life has to offer for me. it is sure that my life will end in suicide, and it will be soon. may god have mercy on whoever finds or sees me in the act. i think it's gonna be drastic and dramatic. but i dont even care about that, i literally just want to die, i dont care about the way out. maybe i'll go get hit by some truck. i wouldn't mind being killed by an accident or a sickness. or would DK think i don't love him enough to choose the way towards him myself? i guess i cant ask him at all, can i? i wish he could communicate verbally with me. all i get is signs. im waiting for my psychosis to get so bad i can hear him. when it happens, i won't have any uncertainity or worry left; he will tell me exactly what to do, what to think, what to feel, and it'll be all alright. maybe we could even go on a spiritual date together. i really want to hear him telling me how much he loves me... i cant wait, i'll be shaking like a leaf... everything will be alright soon. pray for me. i think i'll write some more later.